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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #13| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Issue #13! Greetings all. Again, a fine issue, ready for your perusal.
My project to build my own Spiculum and rule the world is still in the R&D
stages; I'll keep you posted. One thing before I let you read the rest
of the issue: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me about distribution! We're
getting no cooperation, and it's real hard to put together the list....
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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<< DANGER! Got this from Fiben... >>
Pickle, I found this in the Philadelphia Inquirer and I feel that
all M00SES must be informed with the following warning.
BEWARE OF THE FRENCH !!!!!
"There are big problems on Route 201 in Maine,
big problems.
A 50-Mile strech between Bingham and the Canadian
Border is called "M00SE Alley" because all to often,
M00SE meets car and things get ugly.
The problem caught the attention of the bureaucrats
with the state Department of Transportation who decided
to take corrective action.
Bureaucrats can be quite creative with corrective action.
They decided to put up some M00SE warning signs along
the road.
To appreciate the signs one has to take in to account who
typically get involved in M00SE accidents besides M00SE.
Game Wardens estimates that 98% of the M00SE/Car crashes
involve French-Canadians who naturally speak French.
The signs are in English.
Fiben
I would like to claim
responsibility for those signs. I knew it would cause great confusion
if all the signs were in English, and end up causing a lot of anarchy,
so I did it. (That's the REAL reason why I moved north..to be closer
to my target) Just wait til you see what I have planned for Central
New York State!!!
*maniacal laughter*
Wolverine
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
Welcome to Gothopolis, a hustling, bustling city full of all kinds
of folks, including mild mannered reporter Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_,
also secretly know as Superm00se, doer of good deeds, righter of wrongs,
Champion of all oppressed m00ses everywhere, and occasional window-washer
(the super-hero business does slow down every now and then, and those sky
scrapers are so TALL.)
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Mark, get in here!" bellowed Cherri Reddings. Cherri was the Editor
in Chief of _The_Daily_Gonad_ and was a sight to behold indeed. Tall and
voluptuous, ex playboy centerfold turned EiC, with tumbling locks of flaming
red hair.
Mark rushed in, out of breath. Mark had a crush on Cherri but was
too mild mannered to make a pass at his boss. "Yes Cherri?"
"Mark, I want you to get on this terrorist story. I'm taking Lou
off it and giving it to you. Here's two plane tickets. Take Biminy with
you. You're leaving for Kansas City in three hours."
"Kansas City? What kind of terrorist crisis is there in Kansas
City?"
"Mark, you numskull, don't you read the paper? Seven kids have
taken their high school principal hostage and are threatening to blow up
the city with a home made atom bomb if their parents won't increase their
allowances and let them watch David Letterman."
"All that to get an allowance raise and permission to watch David
Letterman?"
"Yeah. They want an allowance raise of several million dollars
and want to watch Letterman via satellite in the Bahamas."
"Oh."
"Mark, you idiot, get going, and don't forget Biminy."
"Yes Cherri." Mark walked out, in a slight daze. Gosh, he loved
it when Cherri got mad at him. She was SO pretty when she was mad.
Biminy was _The_Daily_Gonad_ 's best photographer. His real name
was Johnanthan Robert James Edward Peter Joseph Harold Paul Parker Oppenheimer,
but since every one had trouble remembering it all, they just called him
Biminy, since that was where he came from. Poor Lou. Lou would be so upset.
Lou was Louis Street, and was the best reporter the paper had until Mark
was hired last year.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Mark and Biminy arrived mid-evening in Kansas City, and the crisis
had become even more tense. The children had made even more demands, wanting
two sex-slaves each, while the parents remained adamant that they were going
to get sent to bed without dinner and had further promised that television
privileges would be revoked for two weeks as well unless they stopped this
nonsense immediately and surrendered.
"Gosh Mark, this is so exciting!"
"I know Biminy. Just take some pictures. Make sure that they're
good ones. Get some of the parents, and a few of the principle's wife.
I'll get some statements from people."
Biminy went around, dutifully snapping pictures, while Mark approached
the chief of police. "Excuse me chief, Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_.
Could I get a statement."
"Mark who of the Daily what?"
"Mark Kent sir, _Daily_Gonad_. I was wondering if I could get a
statement."
"Yeah, sure. Five kids got their principal in there hostage. They
got an Atomic bomb. anything else?"
"How come you haven't called in the National Guard?"
"Because the governor doesn't see this as a serious threat. Spank
them, he sez, and they'll behave and go home and everything will be fine.
What we need is one of them super hero types, like Chipmunkman or something."
"Hmm... Thanks a lot chief."
"Stupid reporters.." muttered the chief, as Mark made his way to
someplace private. This was a job for Superm00se he thought, not a half
rate rodent face like Chipmunkman. Having made sure the rest-room was empty,
Mark uttered the fateful word. "Leviam00se."
Magically transformed, where Mark once stood there was now Superm00se,
replete in his pink tights and blue cape. "Well," thought Mark/Superm00se,
"This should be a cake walk. Four kids with a bomb. Easy."
Emerging from the rest-room, Superm00se arrived forthwith at the
scene.
"Evening chief. Heard you needed a super-hero. What can I do for
you." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable.
A look of incredulity crossed the chief's face when he turned around
to see who was speaking to him.
"Who the fuck are you? Mickey Mouse or something." The chief was
clearly unimpressed.
"No. Tis merely I, Superm00se, champion of all m00sekind and oppressed
non m00ses."
Great, thought the chief. Just what I need. A loony psychopath
loose in a pair of tights.
"Listen Pal, I don't know where you got the hokey get up, but why
don't you give it a break and go home to the wife and kids. This is a dangerous
situation we got here and we don't need no crazy kooks who think they've got
super powers running around. Get lost."
This man was obviously in need of an education. How dare he treat
the mighty and righteous Superm00se in such fashion. We'll, I'll show him.
Flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se leaped forth at moderate
speed and slammed into the brick wall making a nice impression, but otherwise
failing to crash through. Great display of m00sieness, Superm00se thought
to himself. Guess I'll just have to use the door.
In the meantime, several officers were taken to the hospital for
treatment of severe hyperventilation from extreme fits of laughter.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
It was dark inside the school, but it did not bother Superm00se,
as he merely used his enhanced m00se-ray vision to probe the murky halls.
Moving about, Superm00se located the students in the teacher's lounge. His
super-m00sey hearing brought him startling sounds
"And now from our home office in Scottsdale, Arizona, here's tonight's
top ten list. Tonight's list is the Ten most improbable Super heroes in
Kansas City. (drum roll) Number ten: Sweat-sock Man. Number nine: Faded
Denim Blues Man. Number eight: Tastey-Cake Girl. Number seven: Kansas
City Chiefs Football team. Number six: Hair-Spray Woman. Number five: Coffee
Man. Number four: Cheezewhiz Lad. Number three: Bill Bixby. Number two:
Jake & Elwood. And number one (faster drum roll and a cymbal crash):
Superm00se."
Good God! What fiendish deviltry was David Letterman working now?
And how was it half past midnight when it was only mid-evening several
paragraphs ago? Superm00se needs answers, and needs them now.
Once again flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se crashed
into the door to the teacher's lounge and enjoyed much more success than
with the brick wall. However...
"greetings Superm00se, we've been expecting you. Won't you come
in and sit down?"
Holy M00se! How could this be? In with these innocent children
sat one of the foulest scourges of m00se-kind in existence. DORITO-BREATH
MAN!!! (insert chintzy suspense music here.)
"Oh come now, Superm00se, do sit down. Let's have a nice little
chat. I take you're here to negotiate the principle's release?" Dorito-Breath
man sputtered out in-between handfuls of doritos and swigs of his drink.
"No, I think not you foul villain. I'm here to take you in and
free the principle and set these children straight." said Superm00se, wrinkling
his large m00sey nose at the terrible reek Dorito-Breath man was emitting.
"Oh you have, have you? Well, think again m00se brain!" exclaimed
Dorito-Breath Man has he gave a mighty exhale in Superm00se's general
direction. Superm00se took one whiff and went out like a light.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"OOohhhhh......" moaned Superm00se, as he came to. What was on
Dorito-Breath Man's breath to put him out like that. It gave new definition
to chronic halitosis. Phew!
"Ah, sleeping beauty awakes. I see you like my new Limburger doritos
Superm00se. Fiendish, aren't they? Took my head chef nearly a year to
come up with them." Dorito-Breath Man gloated over Superm00se, carelessly
holding a bottle of Caffeine Free Diet Coke in one of his hands.
No wonder I blacked out, Superm00se mused to himself. Half the
ingredients to m00se-ite and the fool didn't even know it. I'll just have
to humor him for a while.
"Well, Simperm00se, I'd like to stay and watch your demise, but
I have to be going. Just to let you know how you'll die, pay attention.
When all the sand in that hour glass drains out, the ball will tighten the
cord that will start the motors on the cranks. The cranks will tighten
the Titanium Steel Alloy cables wrapped around you until you're crushed
like an egg. Ha Ha ha ha ah ha haaa (maniacal laughter)." Cackled Dorito-
Breath Man as he left the boiler room. Looking at the hour glass, Superm00se
figured he had maybe five minutes to escape from this one.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Well, It certainly looks bleak for our hero. He's in a real tight
spot. Tune in next week, same m00se channel, same m00se time.
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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<< Continuing Beez's random babbling until he comes up with those stories... >>
The Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing Assn. printed da 1st issue of 'Sauve
Lady's Men in Dry Clothing' this Tuesday. The leader of SLaMeD ClAss (???)
was happy about the first issue, but was disappointed about the circulation
which is currently at 2. He also stressed that the fact that the other member
was female, that he may have to change the name to Sauve Lady's Man in Dry
Clothing. This shouldn't deter any women from joining the organization and
maybe a sister organization could be created. (Debutants You Kan't Escape--
DYKES [just joking...just joking!!]
I checked the Syracuse Library (you know the one..it gets shorter every year)
for any books on M00sian Geometry, M00sian Physics and M00sian Martial arts..
Does anyone know anything about these or where I can find books? (actually this
is meant to spar one of you to write on the subjects, which would give me some
ideas to write on) The closest thing I could find is a book on Zen and the art
of M00se maintance. Thank you for all your help.
Mr. Ed is not a M00se. Wayne Newton is not a M00se. Julia Child is not a M00se.
Donna Reed is reported to not be a M00se. I hope this clears things up.
Beez 'Jimmy Olsen's best pal' Beeler
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<< This from new m00se Spaceman Biff >>
Jeez guys, I made it!!! Bloooop!
Thanks for my induction to m00sehood; I look forward to
my continued and active involvement. (The fiction and fancies in
issue 11, having to do with Sat. A.M. physics and Star Trek, and the
AT&T memo (see figure 1), came to me from a buddy in Berzerkeley, who
got 'em from a pal in Wisconsin, etc., and I forwarded them to my
m00sepapa, wolverine, and the rest is history...)
There are, however, two corrections I feel I must make:
1: The nick is Spaceman Biff (two effs, thank you),
or just Biff for short, and
2: My last name is ZEMANIAN, not ZEMANINA; the latter
form will only cause your e-mail to be returned
poste haste (sorry, my keyboard doesn't do italics
or underlines. If you're a TeXhacker, you may assume
there to be an \it command just before the line two
oops, three lines above this one. \rm) and I won't get
my 'droppings.
That, in a nutshell, is my statement upon induction, and you
will most definitely be hearing more from me later. Consider yourself
warned.
(Spaceman Biff)
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<< Here we have a few unconfirmed Sabre sightings. First, I must say that
I *MAY* have seen Sabre in my room this evening, where he mentioned that
Niniane could blow up my ship. Well. That's why I've got me 8 g's of thrust,
and shields to get away. >>
The was a confirmed Sabre-sighting on 9/19/88 by the one and only
GypsyLynx....right before he was once again kidnapped by the bookstore
slavers....rumors have it that he *might* actually show his face at
a miniature thr0ng-a-th0n in Siberacuse this weekend!
GypsyLynx
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Quote found scrawled on wall in Amherst,
"The best way to deal with an elevator full of hair girls
is to throw in a lighted match and run like hell!!!!!"
--Sabre (or so it claimed)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Fellow M00ses,
Thank you for helping me in my search for Sabre! And yes, he is
in fact free! I received a telephone communique from him this past
weekend, and while at first I thought it was going to be a ransom
call from his captors, it turned out he was enslaved by an
institution of another type: The Boston U. Bookstore. Plans are
underway to organize a store-break. So thank you all for aiding
in my search. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the phone
number for Abbott's Dairy Products Inc.?? I have to call them and
cancel the ads on all those milk cartons.....
Wolverine/Trelf
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Please add:
Hartford thr0ng MELINOSKI @ HARTFORD Slick Jones
ROSSI @ HARTFORD Loki
U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
Saunacuse thr0ng RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Please remove:
Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp
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