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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #40| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Apr. 09, 1990
---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
================================================================================
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury
Submissions to: DangerM00se
Back issue requests: Max Handelsman
and Johnathan Clemens
or
AND Joanne Rosenshein
M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
Ben & Jerry's VermonsterFest (tm) Coordinator: BlAcKDoG
(This space to let): Contact WarM00se
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hmm.
Guess it's time to get another sporadic issue of this stuff out. Sorry
they are so irregular this semester. See, I'm on this new diet...and I'm not
getting enough fiber...and...
Ahem. Sorry! ;^)
Anyway, here it is.....
-Pat
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From: agtoa!greyfox@uunet.uu.NET (GreyFoxM00se)
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From: Lynette M. Conrad
Date: March 29, 1990
Subject: One Child's Wish
Hello. I am passing along a message that I got from a friend who
received it from the Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. If you can
please send a card and forward this information to your friends. It is
really neat that doing something as simple as sending a card will make
this child's wish come true....thanks....
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"Please join us in helping to make one extremely sick child's wish
come true... This particular child's name is Craig Shergold. He is seven
years old and has a very short time to live due to a brain tumor.
Craig's wish is to have his name added to the list of "Record
Holders" in the Guinness Book of World Records. The record he wishes to be
accountable for is the person who has received the most get-well cards ---
the record now stands at 1,000,265.
This is such a small task for us to accomplish for a precious
little seven year old.
Let's put a smile on Craig's little face with a get-well card and
let him know we all truly care by sending him a card as soon as possible.
All cards must be received by Craig by no later than Sunday, April 15th,
1990, and be mailed to him at the following location:
Craig Shergold
c/o Children's Wish Foundation
32 Perimeter Center East
Atlanta, Georgia 30346
Thank you in advance for your contribution to this 'small' request.
Please pass the word so that we can all help Craig's wish come true."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please, if you have the time, send a card to make Craig's wish come
true. I know it would mean the world to him. Thanks....
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[Ed. Note] We did a bit of calculation, and realized that 1,000,000 letters, at
$.25 a pop, equals $250,000 dollars for the Post Office!
Can you say "vested interest?" I knew that you could! :)
-Pat
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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>: From: mosley@peyote.cactus.org (Bob Mosley III)
>:
>: Wednesday morning, Feb. 28, the offices of Steve Jackson Games, inc.,
>: were raided by FBI and Secret Service officials. The establishment was
>: shit down, and all computer systems, including the Illuminati BBS,
>: were confiscated.
According to Fearless Leader (the SJG-BBS sjsop, reporting on another Austin
BBS), not all the computers were taken -- just the BBS, a laser printer (Murphy
only knows what the Secret Service thought they could get out of that -- reading
the typewriter ribbon?), and some disks and papers.
>: As of this writing, the Mentor is reportedly out on bail, sans system
>: and network connection. The Illuminati BBS is still down, although SJ
>: Games is back in operation, and no charges have been filed against any
>: of the employees other than The Mentor. The systems owned by SJ Games
>: have not been returned as of this writing.
Mentor is Loyd Blankenship, recently made the chief editor at SJ Games. I
hadn't heard he was involved, though I'd heard an unofficial report that one SJG
employee's home was raided and his system taken.
The following is what appears if you call SJB-BBS right now (at 1200 baud or
less). (Sorry for the caps and weird formatting, the system they're using is an
old Apple II, considered expendable if the Feds decide to come back.)
GREETINGS, MORTAL! YOU HAVE ENTERED
THE SECRET COMPUTER SYSTEM OF
/\
/ \
/ () \
/ ____ \
/ / \ \
/__________\
THE ILLUMINATI
FRONTED BY STEVE JACKSON GAMES
INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. FNORD
NOTE! AT THE MOMENT ILLUMINATI IS AN READ-ONLY SYSTEM. READ THE INFORMATION
BELOW TO FIND OUT WHY. USING THE SPACE BAR WILL LOG YOU OFF. YOU CAN STOP THE
SCROLLING AT ANY TIME WITH A CONTROL-S. CONTROL-Q WILL RESUME THE SCROLLING.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT OUR CORPORATE MASCOT, WHO USUALLY GREETS OUR CALLERS
WITH A CHEERFUL SMILE, IS FROWNING TODAY. I THINK YOU'LL AGREE HE HAS EVERY
RIGHT TO.
BEFORE THE START OF WORK ON MARCH 1, STEVE JACKSON GAMES WAS VISITED BY AGENTS
OF THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE. THEY SEARCHED THE BUILDING THOROUGHLY, TORE
OPEN SEVERAL BOXES IN THE WAREHOUSE, BROKE A FEW LOCKS AND DAMAGED A COUPLE OF
FILING CABINETS (WHICH WE WOULD GLADLY HAVE LET THEM EXAMINE, HAD THEY LET US
INTO THE BUILDING), ANSWERED THE PHONE DIS- COURTEOUSLY AT BEST, PROBABLY ATE A
FEW OF THE ORANGE SLICES THAT WERE ON FEARLESS LEADER'S DESK (WHICH THEY WERE
WELCOME TO, BY THE WAY), AND CONFISCATED SOME COMPUTER EQUIPMENT, INCLUDING THE
COMPUTER THAT THE BBS WAS RUNNING ON AT THE TIME.
SO FAR WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED A CLEAR EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE SECRET SERVICE WAS
LOOKING FOR, WHAT THEY EXPECTED TO FIND, OR MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE. WE ARE FAIRLY
CERTAIN THAT STEVE JACKSON GAMES IS NOT THE TARGET OF WHATEVER INVESTI- GATION
IS BEING CONDUCTED; IN ANY CASE, WE HAVE DONE NOTHING ILLEGAL AND HAVE NOTHING
WHATSOEVER TO HIDE. HOWEVER, THE EQUIPMENT THAT WAS SEIZED IS APPARENTLY
CONSIDERED TO BE EVIDENCE IN WHATEVER THEY'RE INVESTIGATING, SO WE AREN'T LIKELY
TO GET IT BACK ANY TIME SOON. IT COULD BE A MONTH, IT COULD BE NEVER.
IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS HAS LOANED STEVE JACKSON GAMES THE APPLE SJSTEM THE
BBS RAN ON BACK IN THE OLD DAYS BEFORE JOENET. TO MINIMIZE THE POSSI- BILITY
THAT THIS SJSTEM WILL BE CONFIS- CATED AS WELL, WE HAVE SET IT UP TO DISPLAY
THIS BULLETIN, AND THAT'S ALL. THERE IS NO MESSAGE BASE AT PRESENT. WE APOLOGIZE
FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, AND WE WISH WE DARED DO MORE THAN THIS. HOWEVER, WE
AGONIZED LONG AND HARD, AND DECIDED IT WAS A COURTESY TO OUR CALLERS TO LET THEM
KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
AT THIS POINT WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THE BBS WILL BE BACK UP FOR REAL. IF YOU HAVE
IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR US, SUCH AS PLAYTEST NOTES, YOU CAN MAIL THEM TO US
(YEAH, I KNOW, ECCH) OR IF IT'S SOMETHING TRULY IMPORTANT, YOU CAN REACH US AT
OUR VOICE NUMBER (512-447-7866). IN THE MEANTIME, FEARLESS WILL BE CHECKING IN
ON A REGULAR BASIS ON SMOF (512-UFO-SMOF) AND RED OCTOBER (512-834-2548).
IN PARTICULAR, IF YOU HAVE DOWNLOADED THE GURPS CYBERPUNK PLAYTEST MATERIAL THAT
WAS ON THE BOARD, PLEASE LET US KNOW RIGHT AWAY SO WE CAN ARRANGE TO GET A COPY.
SOME OF THAT MATERIAL WAS NOT EASILY REPLACABLE, AND WE WOULD LIKE TO GET COPIES
- IT WOULD MAKE GETTING GURPS CYBERPUNK OUT MUCH, MUCH EASIER (AND IT WOULD COME
OUT THAT MUCH SOONER). PLEASE CALL US AND ASK TO TALK TO CREEDE OR LOYD FOR
ARRANGEMENTS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING, AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS GIVEN US WORDS
OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SUPPORT. WE HOPE WE'LL BE BACK ON LINE, FULL TIME, VERY
SOON.
-- STEVE JACKSON GAMES AND
THE SJSOPS OF THE ILLUMINATI BBS
<>
<>
The comment about GURPS Cyberpunk playtest material is interesting -- that was
the project Loyd was working on, and it sounds like the Secret Service made off
with all the copies SJG had. Wonder if they're confusing gaming with reality?
Incidentally, I am a frequent user of SJG-BBS, and I've never seen anything
there that the government could find remotely interesting, and the sjsops of
Illuminati BBS have been *very* careful to run a clean system. About the only
place they might find anything would be in the private e-mail system, if that.
---Walter
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For those of you who remember WAAAAAAY back to Issue 30, Steven
"Fruitbat" Foster unknowingly contributed a piece entitled "Daydreams of a Kinky
Fruitbat" to our 'Droppings. I've finally located a working address for him, and
have sent him some info on the M.I. and such. He has decided to join our
illustrious ranks! Welcome, Fruitbat! (And, of course, welcome to all the new
m00ses that have joined recently! ....And I see Jimmy, and Charlotte, and Kim,
and David, and all sorts of other m00ses through the Magical Romper Room (tm)
Mirror....)
His address (Fruitbat's), if you care to write, is:
IN%"foster@jumbly.enet.dec.COM"
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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NATURAL HISTORY OF FRUITBATS
Fruitbats: description
Fruitbats are small, brown and mildly furry. They have the cutest faces of any
bat, little pointy ears that stick out and very sharp teeth designed to be
indignant with. There is a great variety of size in fruitbats, ranging from
twelve inches in height, to a little over six foot tall. A fruitbat will
generally flitter about at great speed making little "meeping" noises. It
is pretty much impossible to determine what it will do next.
Fruitbats: habitat
A fruitbat is a small unassuming bat whose natural habitat is dark forest in
some of the warmer places of the earth. For unknown reasons, some fruitbats
have migrated northwards and are now living in warm and comfy centrally
heated houses in the UK. It is thought that this maybe the result of early
explorers adopting them and introducing them to culture.
Fruitbats: food
The rustic bats will live mainly on rotting mango, which is a good source of
essential alcohol. The fruitbat will spot a mango from the treetops and
spiral down at great speed making anticipatory happy meeps. Opening its mouth
wide it then dives into the mango where it will suck the juice until incapable
of moving. Predators are wary of attacking a feeding fruitbat, which will
either attack with its sharp teeth, or launch into a rendition of "The Time
Warp", depending on how long it has spent in the mango. The main alternatives
to mango in the fruitbat diet are Mars bars and Guinness. It is generally
not advisable to provide too much of these though, as a fruitbat will eat
them whether it is hungry or not.
Fruitbats: mating
With very little else to do other than meep and get pissed on mango, fruitbats
tend to mate fairly frequently, although more scientific investigation needs
to be made into what constitutes a breeding pair. This is further complicated
by the fruitbat philosopy that "if it's got a big dick and a supply of Mars
bars then its as near to being a fruitbat as makes no odds". This leads to
problems of aviation. To attract the other fruitbats, most have now evolved
to be too well endowed to fly. A fruitbat who attempts to fly is likely to
make the following conversation prior to plummeting to the ground:
"Meep, meepety meep, meep, ooh, meep, Aaarrrgggh!".
A small proportion of fruitbats are heterosexual. This abnormal behaviour
is tolerated in the fruitbat community, but is limited to those over 21.
Fruitbats: domestic
A fruitbat makes a wonderful addition to a household. It is extremely
difficult to gain their affections, but when you do, it'll be very difficult
to ever extricate yourself from its arms again. A good starting point when
attracting a fruitbat is to own a large collection of mars bars and to be
able to cook (a change from raw mango is always nice).
Fruitbats: language
Fruitbats have a rich and varied language - depending more on tone and
facial expression than anything else. When the only word in the vocabulary
is "meep", this is probably just as well. Beginners in this language have
great difficulty in hearing the subtlety of some meeps, so be warned.
Here are some examples:
Meep (decisive): I want my fur stroked.
Meep (murmur): Yes, please carry on stroking my fur.
Meeeep(growl): Carry on stroking, or I'll bite.
Meeeeeeeeeep(wail): He's not stroking my fur any more.
Meepety meep meep meep(excited): He's unwrapping a mars bar
Meepfth(indistinct): Thank you for my mars bar. Now stroke.
By Steven "Fruitbat" Foster
(c) Digital Equipment Corp.
PS - I'm currently working on the revised fruitbat (king henry the eighth
edition) bible. I'll mail you a copy when it's finished. If you have that sort
of mind, then you'll probably appreciate it :-)
-Fruitbat.
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to the Splat Factory!!!!!
These are the entries to the most wonderful request to
Falling Euphisms or Another Name to becoming one with the
road in a very Zen-Like way.....
You know, Like Street Pizza
He pulled an "eat-the-street" from the 15th floor.
He did his "dead-bird-flying" imitation.
Spatula Surprise
Terminal Face Plants
Manhole cover imitations
Temporary speed bumps
Extra-large armadillos (Only for those who have driven on Texas ranch
roads)
Modern art (perhaps abstract art, depending on how far you fall)
Decceleration Trauma
Concrete Poisoning
Cement Overdose
Sidewalk Scrapings
Blood Pancake
Gutter Puddle
Death by Inertia
Curb-Diving
Street Spatter
Millimeter (wo)man
roadkill
retread
resurface material(blacktop/whitetop/top)
crow dinner
gutter gulash
Thank you, Alt.Suicide.Holiday for making this list presentable.
Now do we have any euphemisms for Slitting Our Wrists out there?
Like Hemoglobin Interior Decorating or
Personal Porcelain Finger Painting?
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=================================================================
Photocopies of this have been kicking around our office
for ages. It has no author's name attached or any publication
information so I have no idea where it originally came from.
This may be a little out of season but from what I guess, you can
plant kuzu any time of the year and enjoy it for generations to
come. For those of you up north, yes this is a real plant, and
rumor has it that there are odds being taken, on when Georgia
will disappear under a cover of the stuff.
=================================================================
Gardening Tips from Down South
How to Grow Kudzu
All you beginning gardeners out there might want to
consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great
adventure of gardenning in the south. Kudzu, for those of you
not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be
grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple
rules:
Choosing a Plot:
Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is
not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like
strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for
best result you should select an area having at least some dirt.
To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away
from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along
well with your neighbor anyway.
Preparing the Soil:
Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its
attention and to prepare it for kudzu.
Deciding When to Plant:
Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is
planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and
begin throwing rocks at you.
Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:
The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40
weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need
anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent
scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts
its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens
the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change
oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes
first.
Mulching the Plants:
Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service,
kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy
mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best
results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu
with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback,
your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward
you with redoubled determination in the long run.
Organic or Chemical Gardenning:
Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for
those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests.
Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you
can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the
kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison
directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you
enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way.
Crop Rotation:
Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing
the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you
desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is
the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing
season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot
with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move
elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they
will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a
prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green
vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.
{ed I didn't know what Kudzu was, so the submitter provided the following
information.}
From "The American Heritage Dictionary":
=============================================================================
Kudzu (kood'zoo) n. A vine, Pueraria lobata, native to Japan, having compound
leaves and clusters of redish purple flowers and grown for fodder
and foiage.
=============================================================================
Kudzu was introduced to Georgia earlier this century in an attempt
to provide improved fodder for cattle. It worked ALL TOO WELL. Cattle
do love kudzu but not nearly as much as kudzu loves Georgia. Georgia
provides nearly ideal climate and growing conditions for this rapid growing
and hardy perenial (that's "hardy", as in calling nuclear weapons "explosive").
People have been known to leave home on vaction down here only to
return a week later to find cars and other LARGE objects buried under it's
lush greener. It climbs telephone poles and crosses wires. It's eradication
is a major expense to utility companies. The City of Atlanta has used
bulldozers to dig up the tubers in vacant lots. It's resistant to most
"safe" chemicals although 2,4,D has some effect if used frequently enough.
It's sometimes call "yard-a-night" down here because that's how fast it
seems to grow. The only question seems to be whether the "yard" referred
to is that of "3 feet" or that of "front and back". Rumor has it that some
of the roads in the more rural areas don't get enough traffic and will be
covered by kudzu after a long holiday weekend.
It is a very pretty vine in early spring and summer. It's broad
leaves and flowers are quite attractive until you start to realize that
the dead stick, that it's sunning itself on, use to be a hugh pine tree.
In the winter, the first hard frost turns kudzu into tons of ugly brown
leaves and thick vines. It becomes a real eyesore and possibly a fire
hazard although I haven't heard of any actual kudzu fires. The plant regrows
new vines from the ground up every year, so you can see it's growth rate must
be phenominal.
I understand that the Japanese make a highly regarded form of tofu
from kudzu tubers. It is supposed to be prized for it's nutty flavor (soy
tofu is rather bland). The Japanese cannot produce enough to meet their
own demand and think we're NUTS for trying to eliminate it. I haven't
been able to confirm this use for kudzu, but, if true, they may well be right.
We've got plenty of hungery people and LOTS of kudzu!
The existance of kudzu in a neigborhood has been known to, adversely,
affect property values. The threat of planting kudzu in someone's yard is
generally considered an extreme case of "fight'en words", potentially followed
by "justifiable homicide". Regardless, you can still obtain kudzu seeds
from several major seed companies who list it as a "hardy ornamental
perenial". If understatement was a crime they'd be history.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.
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**************************** ANARCHIST'S CORNER ********************************
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Yes! A new area of the newsletter! (At least for now.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DMSO := Dimethyl sulfoxide == Methyl sulfoxide == (CH3)2SO
500 ml @ $18.25 from Aldrich Chemical (HPLC grade)
Irritates, but not very toxic. Can carry things on your skin into
the bloodstream or tissues with great ease. Be cautious about the
quality of DMSO used; any contaminants will go into your body too.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I have heard about this stuff, and I guess the "Dead Kennedys" did a
song about it a while back.
It appears that some guy took some DMSO about 20 years back, and laced
it with LSD. Then he put it on the door handles of cop cars in L.A. or San
Francisco.
DMSO carries whatever it's mixed with through your skin in full-potency!
He made an LSD 'contact-poison'! All the cops were tripping out and wrecking
their cars and such. Sounds pretty Discordian....
I've been looking through some chemical catalogs, and that price is
pretty accurate. It varies from company to company, but averages between $18 and
$30 per liter.
-Pat
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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I haven't heard from HerschM00se the Beanmeister in AGES! I wonder if
she's still out there....
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