M00se Droppings 51

Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 01:19:19 -0800
From: Dark M00se Rising
Subject: M00se Droppings #51 (11/13/94) -- Mea Culpa!


M00SE DROPPINGS #51 - November 13, 1994
=======================================

  A-M00s-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the
  M00se Illuminati

  _M00se Droppings_ is published on the 13th of each month, more or
  less.  Send submissions and subscription requests to wrd@beer.wa.com.

  All contents copyright the respective authors.  More explicit
  copyright notice forthcoming, pending consultation with
  Pr0phetm00se, our resident expert.

  This issue is being mailed to 84 chapters of the M00se Illuminati.


STAFF:

   Editor In Chief:        Bill Dickson
   Reviews Editor:         Gary Olson
   News Editor:            Dominic White
   Superguy Chronicler:    Eric Burns


IN THIS ISSUE:

   Editorial Notes & Excuses

   News Droppings
     Reporter positions filled
     M00se Droppings archived on Philadelphia BBS
     M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)

   Regular Features
     Ask The Sage
     Tracking the M00sey Age

   Reviews
     Beer



EDITORIAL NOTES
---------------
>From Pickle, your Friendly Editor

  Greetings, fellow m00ses!  Welcome to M00se Droppings #51, next in
  a seemingly endless series of smallish text documents that wing
  their way through the electronic ether from my place to yours!

  In this issue, we have some special items from regular contri-
  butors Svedishm00se and Pr0phetm00se, as well as-

  What's that?

  Oh.  I'd hoped you wouldn't notice.

  Yes, yes, I did miss the last two months.  This isn't so much a
  monthly issue as a quarterly one.  I admit the fact, and I
  apologize.

  But I do have some excuses, and I know you're just dying to hear
  them.

  I was sick!  I was house hunting!  I was moving!  It was like that
  when I got here!  I was exhausted!  The Devil made me do it!  I
  changed jobs!  I was confused!

  Not bad, eh?

  Anyway, that does about cover it.  And I'm afraid that, even with
  all the extra time, submissions are still dismally low and the
  issue is rather small.  But hey, you know how to fix that, don't
  you?

  Before I go, I would like to pose a question.  Responses are
  welcome -- nay, encouraged -- and should be sent to my address,
  wrd@beer.wa.com.  That question is this:

  What do you think of the setext format used in recent issues?
  Are you making use of it with a setext reader, or do you just
  read it in normal email and wish the issue looked the way it used
  to?  Let me know, and I'll decide if we're going to keep it like
  it is, or work on a prettied-up ASCII format without any setext
  tags.

  Of course, maybe we should switch to HTML....hmmmmmm....



NEWS DROPPINGS
--------------
Little turds of information for your enjoyment and edification.


_Editorial_Positions_

  Some of you may recall that a couple of editorial positions were
  up for grabs three months ago.  As you can see by the credits
  at the top of the issue, this is no longer the case!  I'd like
  to thank both who applied, and give a warm welcome to hard-
  working Pr0phetm00se, our new Superguy Chronicler.  Look for the
  Superguy Chronicles to begin in the January issue, and "Meet the
  M00ses" next issue.


_M00se Droppings Archived on Philadelphia BBS_

  Mogul, sysop of the Philadelphia-area BBS "Mogel-Land"
  (phone: 215-732-3413) has started archiving M00se Droppings along
  with thousands of other electronic text files.  Check it out!


_M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)_

  In this particular section of the issue, we intended to include
  an entertaining story about an 800-pound m00se that was spending
  a pleasant afternoon near a quarry, attracted lots of attention,
  and finally wound up taking a swan dive twenty-five feet down
  into the water after being shot with a tranquilizer dart.  The
  story would have included a little blurb about how the crane that
  lifted the m00se up onto dry land was tipped over by the weight,
  but that despite the series of mishaps, the m00se was just fine
  and had trotted away under its own power at the end of the episode.

  However, it turns out that it was an AP press release, and since we
  don't subscribe to their service, it probably would have been a
  copyright infringement.  So instead, we just paraphrased it.

  Thank you for your time.



REGULAR FEATURES
----------------

  Returning again are Superguy Digest's The Sage with his omniscient
  advice, and Pr0phetm00se's report on the progression of the M00sey
  Age.

  Feel free to send in your questions for The Sage, care of
  wrd@beer.wa.com.  It would be tragic if we had to start making
  them up.


Ask The Sage
------------
The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need or Want
by Superguy Digest's The Sage


DEAR SAGE,

  Or should I say 'Sagelocian the x-Soviet Armenian butcher/klutz/
  looney'?  We will not let you forget the genocide of 2.5 million
  Muslim people slaughtered by you and your 'killi/kokulu church'
  and those like you.  Give it up to your 'papazian', 'stooge of
  SDPA'!  When will you admit your culpability?

  The Serdy-Gerdy Man


Serdy,

  For the last time, I will not buy any encyclopedias from you!  I
  already know everything there is to know!  I'm the Sage!  (As an
  aside, understanding you is one of the few things that strains
  even my omniscient abilities!  Oy!)



DEAR SAGE,

  I edit and publish a monthly magazine for the, uh, "Cow"
  Illuminati.  However, nobody ever sends me submissions to help fill
  it up, so I have to write lots of filler to "pad out" the
  newsletter for my fellow "cows."  I am even beginning to fear that
  we will have to start making up letters for our advice columnist.
  How can I get my fellow "cows" to start sending me submissions?

  "Cucumber" in "Columbus"


Cucumber,

  The answer is simple, my green friend:  beer!  Promise them beer!
  As much quality, microbrewed beer as they can drink!  Spare no
  expense!  (Alternatively, send the beer to me.  Even in an
  intoxicated state, I could make up some pretty startling letters!
  After all, I know everything there is to know about being
  startling!  I'm the Sage!)



DEAR SAGE,

  I am given to understand that you not only know all there is to
  know, but that you are extremely handsome, sexy, charming, witty,
  vivacious, hard-bodied, suave, muscular, and rugged, too.  You
  make Tom Cruise look like a rotting pile of whale snot.  You make
  Stephen Hawking look like Forrest Gump.  Your sexual prowess is
  matched only by your modesty.  This is not a made-up letter at
  all.  Really.

  Not-the-Sage in North Dakota


Not-the-Sage,

  Why, thank you, for those unsolicited and completely not-made-up-
  by-me comments!  I compliment you on your insights and accurate
  percept--

  *AHEM*

  Er...oh, Pickle!  I was just...er...

  *YES?*

  Well, dammit, if we got more questions from your cows...

  *M00SES.*

  I knew that!  I'm the...

  *SAGE, YES, I KNOW.  I SIGN YOUR CHECKS, AFTER ALL.*

  Oh, forget it.  Let's go get some beer.

  *OKAY.*


  That's all the time I have for this issue!  This is the Sage,
  signing off!



Tracking the M00sey Age
-----------------------
Prophecy McNuggests for your Electrification
by Reverend Sabre the Pr0phetm00se

  I am not a person who is, by nature, easily impressed.  Even when
  it is my own prophecy we're discussing, I tend to keep skeptical.
  Murphy's Law affects the prophetic as well as anything else,
  after all, and I am naturally wary of my prophecy and enlightenment
  taking a disastrous turn when I least expect it and am most culpable
  for it, at least in a legal sense.  You can imagine how nervous I
  was, therefore, after I began to reveal the Path of Tippy the House
  Shrimp, who was sacrificed by Leviam00se for all of us.  After all,
  we're treading into pretty blasphemous waters with statements like
  that.  If we aren't tempting the Gods to smite us down with
  lightning, at the very least we're tempting hate mail from the
  Religious Right.

  Of course, it is one of my most cherished goals in life to have a
  work of mine be banned by the Catholic Church, but I digress.

  Therefore, you can imagine that I wouldn't persist in preaching the
  Way of the House Shrimp if I hadn't been convinced myself, right?
  Therefore, to borrow from my colleague in journalism, Dave Barry
  (I can call him a colleague, because I'm a liar), I am not making
  any of the ~facts~ in this essay up.  This stuff really happened.

  I guess to begin with, I should talk about the Transfigurement of
  Tippy.

  For those of you who do not know, Transfigurement is the carrying
  of the corpus (or body) into heaven (or Seattle).  According to
  Christian Myth (there goes that writing campaign again), Christ rose
  from the dead after three days and was transfigured, leaving no
  trace behind except for his foreskin, since he was Jewish.  In fact,
  a number of Christian shrines in the Middle Ages claimed to have the
  foreskin of Christ as a sacred relic.

  I am ~still~ not making this up.

  Well, you may recall that the House Owner I was staying with at the
  time had decided to leave Tippy to rot in the bottom of the tank
  where he was hanging out.  It was a week or two later that he
  decided to empty the water and clean the tank.  Now, there was a lid
  on top of the tank, which kept the cats out.  I didn't open it.  The
  House Owner didn't open it.

  When he emptied the tank out, Tippy's body was gone.

  I am ~not~ making this up.

  I immediately realized that Tippy had been Transfigured, and was
  already in the Promised Land (Seattle, as I said) drinking Latte and
  listening to alternative rock.  The House Owner agreed.  ManlyM00se,
  my M00se Nerf Armament Testing Buddy and Good Friend, scoffed, and
  said that Tippy had just dissolved in the salt water, his exoskeleton
  melting quickly and his innards wasting away.  I thus redubbed
  ManlyM00se Doubting Francis, and said that I would make a pilgrimage
  to Seattle to look for Tippy.

  Just before I made my spiritual quest, Doubting Francis recanted.  He
  too found the path of Tippy.  He once again assumed his M00sly name of
  ManlyM00se and returned to the fold.

  Now, ManlyM00se lived in Ithaca, New York.  He had tried to get a job
  at Cornell University for years.  Years.  I say again, years.  No
  good.  All doors were closed.  He had recently quit working for a
  certain company on the grounds of his employer was a Rat Bastard, and
  was now a temporary to pay the bills and keep his children in
  implements of destruction.

  After finding the true path of Tippy, ManlyM00se was approached by his
  current supervisor.  He was, in fact, working up at Cornell at the
  time, and had looked into getting real, full time work there, but had
  been rebuffed as always.  ManlyM00se's Supervisor ordered ManlyM00se
  to fill out an application and then hand-delivered it to the Cornell
  Campus Store, who then called him and made him go in for an Interview.

  Whereupon they gave him a Directorship in the Store, where he now
  heads their Digital Systems department.

  I'm ~still~ not making this up.

  In the meantime, I moved to Seattle, searching for Tippy.  While I
  haven't found Tippy himself, I ~have~ found contentment at a new (non-
  temporary) job, a beautiful, inexpensive house to live in with two
  other M00ses who have accepted the Way of Tippy, and I've been
  ordained.  Not in the Church of Tippy, but in a Church that has no
  doctrine at all except that whatever the individual believer believes
  is right.  So therefore the Way of Tippy is doctrinally correct, and I
  can perform marriages and have discounts on public transport.

  None of the above was made up.  It all happened or is happening.

  So don't tell ~ME~ my prophecy's crap!  Transfigured shrimp, M00ses
  being thrown productive jobs and Legal and Moral Ordination that was
  free and simple should be enough to convince any and all of the
  Doubting Francises amongst you.

  Of course, the upheavals of the above have prevented me from producing
  the latest transcriptions of my visions into the Book of Crustaceans.
  Next time, I promise.

  Hey, you can trust me.  I'm a Minister.  And so far, I'm batting a
  thousand.

  NEXT TIME -- conclusive proof of the Anger of the Gods stemming from
  off-year Winter Olympics being held, and how it relates to Republican
  gains in Congress.



REVIEWS
-------
Edited by Svedishm00se

  All reviews for future editions of The Gary, Eric, Dominic, and Bill
  Follies should be sent to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or
  swede@drycas.bitnet.  Review anything you like - films, fanzines,
  deodorants, religions, and so on. You are encouraged to invent your
  own rating system - the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier
  it is.  If you are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns,
  please do.  If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science,
  you know.  Pickle's deadline for submissions is the 11th of each
  month, so reviews should be in to me no later than the 9th.


  This month, we have a review of several microbrews from the Pacific
  Northwest, written by Svedishm00se, who lives nowhere near that
  region.


BEER
----
Some reviews by Svedishm00se

Items:           Black Hook Porter, Red Hook ESB, Thomas Kemper Weizen
                 Berry, Grant's Perfect Porter, Emerald City Ale

Price:           Yes.  (They were a gift, you see.)

Purchased From:  Various microbreweries in the Pacific Northwest.


  A few months ago, Svedishm00se was laboring hard.  What was he doing,
  you ask?

  (pause)

  Well, ask, already!

  (pause)

  Oh, never mind, I'll tell you anyway.  He was working hard on editing
  scenes written by various Superguy authors for "Symphony," the
  concluding, massively-long battle in the Industrial Revolution
  storyline, a storyline whose epic nature inspired heavy drinking in
  almost everyone who encountered it.  Many were the hours he spent,
  painful were the headaches he got, blunt were the instruments he hit
  himself in the head with.  Finally, it was completed, and, lo, it
  went over well.

  Pickle and Icky-M00se decided to reward Svedishm00se for his effort
  in this long and grueling endeavor.  In a gesture that proved once
  and for all how astonishingly m00sey they were, they gave the gift
  of beer.  Not just any beer, mind you, but top-quality microbrewed
  beer from some of the finest microbreweries in the state of
  Washington.

  There were twelve in all, though I'll just single out five here for
  special mention.  The other seven were quite good, though I'm not
  sure how big a fan I am of wheat beer yet.

  Of the twelve, my favorites were the two porters, the Black Hook
  Porter and Grant's Perfect Porter.  "Perfect" doesn't begin to
  describe them - I'd say they're thrice as good as Anchor Porter, my
  former favorite porter.  I'm given to understand that they're
  expensive as compared to "Budweiser," or any other mass-produced
  bile you would care to name, but I'd consider the extra money to be
  well spent.

  The Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry was excellent, a tasty blending of
  lager and raspberry juice that went down quickly.  The Emerald City
  Ale was easily on par with Pete's Wicked Ale, and the Red Hook ESB
  (Extra Strong Bitter) was marvelously good.

  My ratings are as follows:

        Beers:          Black Hook Porter, Grant's Porter: 10
                        Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry: 9.4
                        Emerald City Ale: 9.2
                        Red Hook ESB: 9.1
                        The Rest: (avg. 8.9)
        Pickle and
          Icky:         Truly great and noble m00ses.

  [Editor's Note:  Lest the reader get the impression that Pickle and
   Icky-M00se are all sweetness and light, it should be noted that
   they made a desperate attempt to convince Svedishm00se that the
   beer was actually his birthday present, and that they hadn't
   actually forgotten the event.  He was not taken in, however.]



ADMINISTRIVIA
-------------

  _Subscriptions_:  To subscribe to M00se Droppings, send a message to
  Pickle (wrd@beer.wa.com), containing the subject line "subscribe
  droppings".  To unsubscribe, use the subject line "unsubscribe
  droppings".

  _Submissions_:  For a current submissions guidelines file, send a
  message with the subject line "submission guidelines".  To send an
  actual submission, use the subject line "submit droppings".

  _Shameless_plugs_:  If you enjoy M00se Droppings, you may also enjoy
  _Superguy_Digest_, a shared-world collaborative fiction group
  devoted mostly to humorous superhero fiction.  To subscribe, send
  mail to listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu, containing the command
  "subscribe superguy your name here" in the body of the message.
  (Naturally, there are no quotes in the actual command, and you use
  your own name.)  Also check out the Superguy Web Site, at:

       http://www.halcyon.com/superguy/superguy.html

..


--
William R. Dickson, M00se Illuminatus.................wrd@beer.wa.com
Co-Author, Internet Explorer Kit for Macintosh........iek@tidbits.com
Author, "Team Cynical," Superguy Digest....listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu